Today
marks a collision of a million emotions, thousands of
tears, and 365 days of healing. One year
ago today, my beloved Mamaw passed away. For the past two weeks I have
been dreading this day. I did not know how it would affect me. It’s
one of those things that can’t be
explained, I will just have to be in this moment.
I feel completely divided. Part of me cannot believe that this day is already here, while my other
half feels that these past 365 days have been incredibly long, challenging and
difficult in my healing process.
Mamaw was so much more than a grandmother. When she laughed, the world would stop and
listen. She gave everything for her
family. She was my comfort. She was my home.
August 29, 2007: I was
in Tampa, FL for job training. I had
just arrived on the morning of the 28th and, by late that afternoon, I was dumped
in the middle of nowhere at a hotel (sans car) to be picked up the next morning
for day 2. I had crossed the street that
evening to grab some dinner at a local Asian restaurant. It was the only restaurant for miles.
That night, I could not fall asleep. I tossed and turned. Earlier I had talked to my mother on the
phone and she told me that Mamaw was already asleep (mom was amazing; she
devoted her life to taking care of Mamaw and to providing her comfort until her
final moments). They had eaten pizza for
dinner and Mamaw looked at my mother before she went to sleep and said, “I don’t
know what I would do without you.” Mom talked to me about Mamaw’s comment that
night, and told me that it had touched her. She was watching TV. This was about 10:30 p.m.
Fast-forward four hours: I was in that not-really-asleep-but-definitely-not-awake stage, where
you can hear everything that’s happening around you, but the body functions as
if it were asleep. The phone rang. I was immediately aware. I grabbed the phone from the bedside table
before the first ring had even finished. Amanda was crying on the other line. “She’s gone, she’s gone.”
I was not prepared. I
had told myself that I was prepared, but I wasn’t. I had spent weeks
prior to this moment preparing
myself for what I was hearing, but it didn’t mean anything. I suddenly
felt the air evaporate from my
lungs. I couldn’t breathe. My hands began to tingle. Amanda began to
question me, “Where are you?”
“Is Ben there?” “Laura, where’s Ben?” I
managed to explain that I was in Tampa, alone, in a deserted hotel
room, and
without a car. In other words, the worst
scenario you could possibly imagine. I
called Ben. He was asleep at our
apartment in Miami. He stayed on the
phone with me while he called the airlines. He was my voice, as I
couldn’t manage to say anything. We booked me for a 6:00 a.m. flight
back to
Miami, with just enough time to go home and grab a few things that I
would need,
before I was then to be immediately routed out of Miami and into
Louisville by 2
p.m.
I called a cab from the hotel and asked that he hurry. It was 4:25 a.m. and the airport was about 20
minutes away. He assured me that someone
was in the area. I figured that I would
have to check in an hour before the flight, so I knew that I didn’t have much
time to waste.
I waited in the front of the hotel with my
bags. 4:40 a.m. 4:45 a.m. 4:50 a.m. Not a soul in sight. I began to
panic. If I didn’t make this flight, the rest of my itinerary
would be a bust. 4:58 a.m. Nothing. By 5:08 a.m., he finally rolled
up. By this time I was sobbing and begging him to hurry. I have to give
him credit, he put the pedal
to the metal and I was at the check-in counter by 5:28 a.m. Thankfully,
their policy was 30 minutes prior,
so I barely made it.
On the flight from Miami to Kentucky, I quietly sobbed in a
way that I have never sobbed before. Flashes of Mamaw’s face were running through my mind, special moments
from my childhood, visions of her hands (she had very distinct hands). I made the mistake of watching video that I
had taken of her with my digital camera a couple of weeks before. In these videos, she relayed thoughts,
advice, and messages to the family one last time. She told me things that she would like me to
remember about her, and she spoke of the good times and the bad.
After my arrival in Kentucky, the rest of the story feels
like a blur. I remember the pain and I
recall the unconditional love and support shown by each of you. I also remember speaking at her funeral and,
as difficult as it was, it was something that I needed to do.
Today I not only reflect on the emotional challenges that
this past year has brought to me, but I celebrate the life of an amazing woman
who continues to live within the people she loved. Mamaw is not gone. Her memory will live forever in the hearts of
those who loved her.
I know for certain that on our wedding day, she will be with
us, and her love will continue to guide me for the rest of my life. And just as she promised … someday I’ll smile
when our baby giggles for no reason, because I will know that she is tickling
his/her feet.
Thank you, Mamaw, for everything: You rescued me
when I was afraid. You cleaned my wounds. You hugged me when I needed
comfort. You listened when no one else would. You believed in the power
of the heart. You valued family above all else. You commanded
attention. You held court. You laughed with your entire body. You loved
to dance. You sang “A Bushel and a Peck.” You were a great
storyteller. You knew how to sew and knit. You loved, “Blue Skies.” You
cheered us on. You were a voice of reason. You painted your nails
red. You always wore lipstick. Your lipstick was always flat. You
loved to read. You made fabulous
nachos. You were an amazing
back-tickler. You loved without
discrimination. You were my best friend.
Ben and I have lit a Memorial Yahrzeit Light. This candle burns for 26 hours and honors the
life of loved ones who have passed. This
candle will burn all day in her memory.
We invite you to share any Mamaw memories, thoughts, or emotions. We love you all.
has been a blast. We met our good friends Neil and Caroline for lunch. They are getting married next year in Toronto. Neil's family lives in Toronto and Caroline is from Switzerland. Caroline and I went wedding dress shopping a few weeks ago - she is going to make the most gorgeous bride EVER. We had a great lunch @ Juice and Java - they both are Marine Biologists and have a fascination with sharks.
Check out his form (honestly, I wouldn't know the difference between good form and bad form, but it's fun to pretend)! The funniest part of the day, though, was when the game was really heated and Gabe was preparing for his final turn. He looked away to grab the ball and a little boy from a few lanes over swept in with a bowling ball and shot it down our lane. This was both hilarious and devastating to Gabe because he lost one of his turns. We couldn't stop laughing.
We had a really good day. Now we're off to Gabe and Maggie's place for fajita quesadillas and 60 Minutes - they are featuring the amazing ticket, Obama and Biden. Don't miss it! 
